DeescaA relationship check-in is a short, regular conversation, usually weekly and around 20 minutes, about how you're doing as a couple. Start with appreciation, then ask what went well, what was hard, anything left unsaid, and what each of you needs next week. Keep it calm and brief, and park anything heated for its own conversation.
A simple 20-minute format
- Appreciation (5 min). Each name a few specific things you appreciated this week.
- How we're doing (5 min). A score out of ten each, and why.
- One thing that was hard (5 min). One issue each, with the listener only paraphrasing at first.
- Next week (5 min). What each of you needs, and one small plan.
Relationship researcher John Gottman recommends a similar weekly "State of the Union" meeting, starting with what's going well before anything difficult.
Questions to start with appreciation
- What's something I did this week that you appreciated?
- When did you feel closest to me this week?
- What made you laugh this week?
- What's something you're proud of yourself for this week?
- Is there anything you'd like more of from me?
Questions about how you're doing
- Out of ten, how connected did you feel to me this week?
- What would have made it a point higher?
- Did you feel heard this week?
- Is anything stressing you out that's affecting us?
- How are you really doing, not just busy-fine?
Questions for what was hard
- Was there a moment this week you felt let down by me?
- Is there anything you've been holding back from saying?
- Did we leave an argument unfinished?
- Is there something I keep doing that bothers you?
- Is there something you'd like to apologise for, or hear an apology for?
Questions about next week
- What's one thing I could do next week that would help you?
- What's coming up that we should plan around?
- When can we have some time that's just for us?
- How are we splitting the load next week? Does it feel fair?
- Is there anything you need space for?
Monthly questions for the bigger picture
- Are we heading where we both want to go?
- What's something we used to do that you miss?
- Is there a goal we want to work towards together?
- What's something new you'd like us to try?
- What do you love about us right now?
Keeping it from becoming a fight
- Same time every week. A routine slot feels less like "we need to talk".
- Appreciation first, always. It sets the tone for everything after.
- One hard thing each, not a list.
- If it heats up, stop and agree when to talk about that issue properly. Rules for fighting fair.
- Keep it short. Twenty minutes you'll actually do beats an hour you'll dread.
Deesca gives your check-in something to look at. A one-minute daily reflection (a mood and a line about the day) builds into Progress charts, so on check-in night you can see how the week actually felt instead of guessing. If one of the hard topics turns into an argument, the mediator takes both sides and helps you agree one next step. Daily reminders can be switched on or off in Settings.
See your week before you talk about it
Daily reflections, mood charts and a Coach that remembers. Free to try on iPhone.
Common questions
What is a relationship check-in?
A short, regular conversation, usually weekly, where a couple talks about how they're doing together: what went well, what was hard and what each person needs next.
How often should couples check in?
Weekly works for most couples, with a short daily moment of connection and a longer monthly conversation about the bigger picture.
How do you start a relationship check-in?
Suggest it as something to try, not a fix for a problem. Pick a regular time and open with appreciation: "What's something I did this week that you appreciated?"
What if a check-in turns into an argument?
Pause it. Agree when you'll talk about that issue separately, then finish the check-in with what each of you needs next week.