What to say after a fight with your partner

First, get the timing right

Trying to make up while either of you is still flooded usually turns into round two. If you need time, say so, and say when you'll be back. Silence with no end date feels like punishment, even when it isn't meant that way.

• "I need a little time to cool down, but I'm not going anywhere. Can we talk after dinner?"
• "I don't want to keep fighting. I'll come find you in half an hour."

The three parts of a good apology

1. Acknowledge their feelings

Not whether they were right, just that what they felt makes sense from where they stood. This is often the thing they were fighting to get.

2. Own your part, specifically

"I'm sorry for everything" is vague and easy to dismiss. "I'm sorry I brought up your mum" is real. Owning one specific thing doesn't mean you agree with everything they said.

3. Ask what they need

End with a question, not a closing statement. It hands them a way back into the conversation without having to give in.

What to say: examples

These work whether it's your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband or your wife. Change the words until they sound like you; a sentence that doesn't sound like you won't land.

• "I hated how that went. I'm sorry I raised my voice."Acknowledges the moment and owns one thing.
• "I can see why that hurt. I'd have felt the same."Validates without debating the facts.
• "I got defensive instead of listening. Can you tell me again what you meant?"Owns your part and reopens the door.
• "I care more about us than about being right about this."Lowers the stakes for both of you.
• "What would help right now: talking it through, or a hug and talking tomorrow?"Lets them choose how to reconnect.
• "I don't think either of us said what we really meant. Can we try again, slower?"Shares the blame for how it went, not for what was said.
• "Next time I feel that wound up, I'm going to ask for a break instead of snapping."Names one change you'll actually make.

What to text after a fight

Text is fine for opening the door, and bad for having the whole conversation. Keep it short, warm and about reconnecting, then talk properly in person or on a call.

• "I'm sorry about earlier. I don't like it when we're like this. Can we talk tonight?"
• "I've been thinking about what you said, and I think I get it now. I'd like to hear it again, properly."
• "Still a bit upset, but I love you. Can we have a proper talk later?"
• "I'm sorry for what I said about your friends. That wasn't fair."

What to avoid over text: long paragraphs re-arguing your case, sarcasm (it never reads as intended), and sending several messages in a row while they're quiet.

Things that restart the fight

• "I'm sorry you feel that way."Apologises for their feelings, not your actions.
• "I'm sorry, but…"Everything after "but" cancels the apology.
• "Can we just forget it happened?"Feels like being asked to drop something that still hurts.
• "You always do this."Turns one moment into a character judgement.
• "Fine." or "Whatever you want."Sounds like agreement, lands as withdrawal.

If they're not ready to talk

Let them have the space, and make it clear the door is open. One kind message, then wait. Chasing them for a reply usually pushes the conversation further away.

• "I'm here when you're ready. No rush. I love you."

If you were the one who got hurt

You're allowed to say what you need instead of waiting for the perfect apology. Be specific and keep it about this moment.

• "I'm not looking for you to say I was right. I just need to hear that you get why that hurt."

Then come back to the real issue

Making up isn't the same as solving. Once you're both calm, come back to what the argument was really about, usually a need underneath the topic, and agree on one small step. If it's an argument you keep having, our guide on how to stop fighting with your partner walks through how.

How Deesca helps with this

Sometimes you can't find the words because you're still too close to it. Deesca's Relationship Coach can help you work out what you actually want to say, and rehearse it, before you say it. To go further, the Mediator turns both sides into a Peace Treaty with one next step you can both agree to.

Common questions