DeescaWait until you've both calmed down (usually at least 20 minutes), then reach out with something warm and simple. Own your part without adding "but", listen to how it felt for them, and agree one small thing you'll do differently. Making up isn't just ending the silence; it's understanding what the fight was really about so it doesn't come straight back.
Six steps to make up
- Calm down first. When your heart is racing, you can't listen well. Take a break, at least 20 minutes, doing something that actually calms you.
- Make the first move. Going first isn't losing. A simple "I hate it when we fight. Can we talk?" is enough.
- Own your part. "I raised my voice and that wasn't fair." No "but". How to apologise properly.
- Listen to their side. Ask how it felt for them and paraphrase before you respond.
- Find what it was really about. The topic (dishes, being late) is rarely the point. What did each of you need? Questions to ask after a fight.
- Agree one next step, then reconnect: a hug, a walk, dinner together. Ending on closeness matters.
What to say first
- "I don't like how that went. I love you, and I want to understand what happened."Warm, no blame.
- "I'm sorry for my part, especially [specific thing]."Specific beats a general "sorry".
- "Can you tell me how that felt for you? I'll just listen."Invites their side.
- "Can we try that conversation again, slower?"A repair attempt that restarts gently.
What tends to restart the fight:
- "I'm sorry you feel that way."Sounds like an apology, isn't one.
- "Can we just forget it?"Skips the repair, so it comes back.
- "Okay, but you also…"Turns making up into round two.
Making up over text
If you're apart or still too raw to talk, a short text is a good first step. Keep it to a few lines, and save the real conversation for in person.
- "Hey. I'm sorry about earlier. I don't want to fight. Can we talk properly tonight?"
- "I've calmed down and I can see my part in it. I'd like to hear yours too, when you're ready."
Not sure how a message will land? Deesca's Red Flag Check reads the chat, suggests three calm replies and runs a quick pre-send check on the one you pick, so you know how it might land before you hit send. More words for after a fight.
With a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife
The steps are the same whoever you're making up with. What changes is what usually helps people feel safe again. Some partners need to talk it all through before they can relax; others need space and a sign that things are okay, like a hug or doing something normal together. If you don't know which your partner is, ask: "Do you want to talk now, or do you need a bit of time?"
Stopping the same fight coming back
If you make up and have the same fight a week later, the repair is working but the issue isn't resolved. Write down what the recurring argument is really about for each of you, and agree a plan you can revisit. Why we keep having the same argument.
This is what Deesca's mediator is for. You each put your side of the fight in, typed or spoken, and your partner can add theirs privately in a shared room. Deesca finds the need under each side, the common ground you already share, and one next step to agree on. If the same fight comes back, open Round 2 and the plan updates. How the mediator works.
Make up, then make it stick
Both sides, one calm plan, and a Round 2 when you need it. Free to try on iPhone.
Common questions
How long should you wait to make up after a fight?
Long enough for both of you to calm down, usually at least 20 minutes and often a few hours. Going much longer than a day without reaching out tends to make repair harder.
Who should apologise first after a fight?
Whoever is ready first. Going first isn't admitting you were wrong about everything; it's owning your part and opening the door.
How do you make up after a big fight?
Calm down, reach out warmly, own your part without "but", listen to their side, work out what the fight was really about, and agree one small next step, then do something that feels close.
Is it okay to go to bed angry?
Sometimes it's better than forcing a late-night conversation while exhausted. Say something like "I love you, I'm still upset, let's talk tomorrow," and then actually talk tomorrow.