DeescaAfter a fight, wait until you're both calm, then ask questions that help you understand rather than re-argue: what it felt like for them, what they needed, what you could each do differently, and what would help next time. Ask one or two, listen fully, and don't defend yourself while they answer.
Before you start: only ask these when you can hear the answer without arguing back. If either of you is still upset, wait. What to say in the first few minutes.
To understand what happened
- What was that like for you?
- When did it start to feel bad for you?
- What did you hear me say, in your own words?
- Was there something going on for you before we started?
- What do you think I didn't understand?
- What were you most afraid of in that moment?
- Is this about this time, or does it remind you of something else?
To find what each of you needed
- What did you need from me that you weren't getting?
- What would have helped you feel heard?
- Is there something you wanted to say but didn't?
- What's the part of this that matters most to you?
- What do you think I needed?
- Where do you think we actually agree?
To repair
- Is there anything I said that you'd like me to take back?
- What would help you feel better right now?
- Do you need anything from me tonight, or tomorrow?
- Is there something you'd like to apologise for, too? (Only if they're open to it.)
- Can we try that conversation again, slower?
- Would a hug help, or do you need a bit more space?
To make next time better
- What's one thing I could do differently next time?
- What's one thing you could do differently?
- How can I tell when you're getting overwhelmed?
- What should we say when one of us needs a break?
- Is there a better time of day for hard conversations?
- What's one small thing we can agree on this week?
- When should we check in on how it's going?
Questions to ask yourself
- What was I really upset about?
- What part of this was mine?
- What did I want them to understand, and did I actually say it?
- If my best friend described this fight, whose side would I think was fair?
How to use these questions
- Pick one or two, not all thirty. This isn't an interview.
- Ask with curiosity. "What was that like for you?" can sound kind or sarcastic depending on tone.
- Listen to the whole answer before you reply. Then say back what you heard.
- Take turns. Each of you asks and answers.
- End with one step. One thing you'll each try, and when you'll check in.
Too raw to talk face to face? In Deesca, you can each write or speak your side separately, privately if you like, and get back what each of you needed, your common ground and one next step. How it works.
Turn the fight into a plan
Try Deesca free on iPhone, in 7 languages.
Common questions
What should you ask your partner after a fight?
Questions that help you understand them: what it was like for them, what they needed, what you could each do differently, and what would help next time.
How long should you wait to talk after a fight?
Until you're both calm, often at least twenty minutes and sometimes the next day. Agree on a time so the waiting doesn't turn into avoidance.
What questions should I ask myself after a fight?
What you were really upset about, what part was yours, and whether you actually said what you wanted them to understand.
What if my partner doesn't want to talk after a fight?
Give them space, but agree on a time to come back. If talking face to face keeps failing, try each writing your side first.